In 2016, I had a short period of time in which 3 different people told me I radiated light. The first time I was very touched. What a beautiful thing to say! The second time I was delighted and took this to mean that I was happy and people were noticing. The third time I knew something bigger was happening. I didn’t think that my skin was actually glowing, although I wasn’t sure. However, I remembered a handful of people from my life whom I had actually described to others as having radiated light. There had been no actual illumination, but there was no other way I could describe it. It wasn’t just a bright smile or a good moisturizer, it was a life vibrancy I perceived somehow. Remembering those examples, when these three people told me they saw light in me I knew exactly what they meant and it made me feel special and good and empowered. 

Soon after I began binge eating. I had gone through periods of extreme binge eating in the past, and I saw quickly where this situation was heading. Over a year and a half I went from 225 lbs to 280 as I binged sometimes weekly, sometimes three times a day. And whether it’s causality or correlation, as I systematically abused food like a drug my light faded. I hoped for others to notice my fabulous glow, but the reassurance did not come. I would see it in others from time to time and I would eagerly (read: selfishly) approach them and offer the compliment; maybe having just heard it from me they would notice MY light too? Nope. My light was not perceptible in the way I wished it would be.

No matter how much I tried, and it was very much indeed, the slightest emotional, physical, or mental disturbance was enough to send me in search of a coping mechanism- occasionally shopping, dating, or sex but usually obscene amounts of food. This method of soothing had long since transitioned from comfort to a slow form of suicide. I knew all of this and for 23 hours and a day I honestly detested the idea. But there inevitably came the binge, sometimes more than once a day, and I would devour 5,000-10,000 calories in under 30 minutes. The body does not react well to that quantity of fat, sugar, salt, meat, and carbohydrates in such one short sitting. Life is dull and hazy the 36 hours after a binge that large, and I often spent weeks without a glimpse of clarity. As painful and maddening as life was, the return of binge eating launched my most intense period of spiritual growth because it forced me to honestly seek and desire a relationship with a Higher Power. I knew I was not able to stop myself, and so I needed a spiritual awakening to cause an internal shift. The spiritual journey I began was SLOW. It took over a year of reading, listening to podcasts, journaling, meeting with therapists, an expensive group healing program, several international solo vacations, and a very respectable number of hours of prayer and meditation for me to begin to feel an actual two-way relationship with a God of my understanding.

This relationship with my God has resulted in a dramatic evolution of my entire life. Not only did my relationship with food change over time, but I gained clarity on my vocation, my relationship goals, my financial needs, and my purpose. Hence the very blog you are reading, a departure from my career, and an entire new way of designing an experiencing my life. After 6 full months of this path- a life buzzing with adventure and potential- I no longer live in desperation to avoid hurting myself. 

Onward and upward!