SQUISH. SQUIIISHHH.
Another step delivered a ripple to my sneakers and I was hissed out of the golden haze of late May. Another step. Another SQUISH. Motion drew my eye to the baseboards as gray water gushed with each footfall. My new Logan Circle apartment seemed now to boast its own unfortunate water feature.
That was the day I brought my first few bags into a new place. With access granted a bit early, I was eager to scope out dimensions and nooks for the paint and supplies I might need to design my new home. What I found, mouth agape, bags in hand, was massive flooding still undiscovered by both owner and management.
With my lease starting in 48 hours and the move-in date six days away, I called the owner who assured me her team would rip out the floors quickly and at least provide a space for my belongings by June 4th. The new floors might need a few more weeks to be installed but as for moving, all could remain as planned.
On June 2nd, I learned I would not move in on the 4th after all; the floors hadn’t sufficiently dried. The owner apologized and asked if I could make alternate arrangements with the movers and my current apartment, maybe until the 8th? Over the next days, between the movers, my current apartment, and the team of stakeholders making decisions for the new place, the date bounced forward again and again, finally landing on June 18th. On the 11th, news came that there was mold in the new place and unless I could wait a substantial period of time the landlord suggested voiding the lease.
So far, I had been very proud of how I lived my values during this uncomfortable situation. Focusing on acceptance and intuition permitted action in the present rather than fearing the future. In fact, I had bragged about my mature and level-headed response to a friend the day before! But this, having six days to find a home after weeks of jagged uncertainty, took my breath away. Both palms pressed on the countertop, I leaned forward and sobbed. I shook with tears and stress, unable to weave through the moment. Hunched in my kitchen, ugly-crying and puffy-eyed, some part of myself said out loud, “Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for this experience. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you…” It was an unrealistic scene from a Hallmark Channel movie, complete with tearful actor, eyes lifted to the skies in gratitude for the privilege of pain. I hadn’t intended to react with gratitude, and it certainly wasn’t deliberate, although some part of my recent personal growth had been building this capacity for a while. Something had shifted.
Sixty seconds later, my tears wiped away, re-composed and confident, I texted a friend in real estate. I scanned galleries of disingenuous photos of move-in-ready apartments fewer than ten minutes after my lease was voided. Within ten hours I had seen five apartments, called two friends to talk through the options, picked one, and filled out the application.
Merging into the sofa with a beverage and a candle I considered the day. It was incomprehensible that I had danced through such a situation without flipping tables and destroying the serenity of all who crossed my wretched path. I had somehow floated above the hectic energy of the situation. But something still didn’t feel right. Was the apartment chosen from love and joy of life or was it just a practical resolution to a turbulent day? I had secured a perfectly acceptable apartment with a lovely kitchen on a pretty street in a nice neighborhood, but it was still a rash and lukewarm choice. I knew it was settling for less than what the universe was willing to give. While I had been able to quickly bounce back from the morning’s news, I began to see another path that had opened up that day- one of adventure and growth rather than mindlessly saying yes to a lukewarm life. In February I had written and led a workshop that focused on stepping into the magnificence of our birthright as humans by leaning into the most loving option presented in each moment. Was this decision aligned with my own advice? With just over 5 days left to move, I picked up the phone, took a breath, checked my gut, and cancelled the application. The adventure was underway and I decided to hold my nose and jump.