Before a Speech
What it’s like moments before grabbing the mic.
I scan the room and am nearly overwhelmed by the surge of gratitude. These people trust me to help them. My chest fills gently like a water balloon, stretched and heavy with the volume of love, acceptance, and worthiness flowing in.
It’s so exciting to walk out in front of a crowd that is already primed for my story. These are people who have a notion of my presentation and have chosen to bring their bodies to this room to receive it. They are not cynics or skeptics who hope to derail me and prove wrong my points. They believe what I believe and desire what I desire and are here in solidarity- whether they realize this or not- and together we are about to manifest love and hope and joy and growth. In minutes I will stand before my own tribe and begin a cyclical flow of love from me to them and back again.
It was so much simpler than I planned. Not that this is new–my plans have always been meant to scrounge and secure a preferred outcome because on some level I didn’t believe it was my birthright. How many hoops did I design for me to jump through to be paid to speak? I’m so glad I did, and my life has been changed for the better because of them, but I never needed to. Standing here waiting to go before a microphone, I see clearly that I was able to start speaking whenever I wanted to.
I can feel the phone in my hand, I remember the sweat from my cheek on the screen as I was offered the chance to address this group. My chest is still full of the emotion of that moment: excitement, nervousness, a little stage fright, gratitude, flow, knowingness. All of these frequencies of energy crisscross and overlay in my chest, offering me only the most wonderful pressure inside- like a surprisingly tight hug from a much-loved grandma. I feel nurtured, validated, loved. I feel my fellow beings co-celebrating with me as I say YES to stepping into the light of my calling.
When I told my circle the exciting news, everyone reacted exactly as I had hoped. My mother said she knew I could accomplish anything I set my mind to. Aaron started with a smirk and then a joyful laugh, and I could see his guides spilling secrets in his mind like handfuls of jewels falling on velvet. Kandace told me she was not surprised and knew all along it was coming. Danny smiled that full-faced smile and told me how proud he was, and that I was his hero. And from each of these I felt love pouring over me like warm sun between clouds. In those moments I saw myself through their eyes and each moment was a gift.
And to be paid! What grace, what joy! Others are blessing my life with money in exchange for my words. But I knew this! I knew this was coming way back when I did my first career change exercise. I knew that the world would always take care of me and deliver me a life of comfort and beauty if I only step forward in joy and love.
In this last moment before I walk to the mic, I feel the vibrations of a dozen ancient bells in the air as friends and strangers in the crowd chit chat and joke and take their seats. I feel the ice-ball of nervousness in my gut turning and flipping and keeping me on my toes. I feel the moisture on my brow and the adrenaline in my lungs. But above all, I feel grateful that I get to live the life of my dreams because I had the faith to step forward.
